Temperament and Holiness

Book 1, Chapter 14 of the Imitation of Mary is titled, "The Humble Soul Tries to Conceal from Men Its True Value in God's Eyes." The primary message of the chapter is that when a soul receives favors from God, he should keep these favors to himself, except to share them with his spiritual director. De Rouville says, "The Spirit of God communicates Himself in secret and desires that whatever goes on between Himself and the beloved soul should remain secret" (57). He cautions against the soul becoming attached to these favors at the expense of attachment to God alone and says that such attachment can lead the soul to to seek admiration from men who "should never have come to know of these favors" (58). He goes on to say, "If such men had had the interior disposition of the Blessed Virgin, that is, her spirit of humility, God would constantly have enlightened them, inspired a distrust of self, and taught them to see the tricks that self-love plays" (58).

De Rouville's admonition calls to mind St. John of the Cross' repeated warnings against the soul seeking out or becoming attached to revelations thought to come from God. St. John's warnings are so prevalent that I only had to look for a minute or two in his book The Ascent of Mt. Carmel, which is so long and so packed with information that I've been reading it for about 8 months, to find an example. In Book Two, Chapter 21 of The Ascent, St. John says, "God is rightly angered with anyone who [dwells on His favors], for He sees the rashness of exposing oneself to . . . presumption, curiosity, and pride, to the root and foundation of vainglory, to contempt for the things of God, and to the beginning of the numerous evils into which many fall."

It's pretty apparent, even to someone like me who can be a little dense, that it's dangerous to fixate on or blab about spiritual favors. We should be recollected and resigned, humble and meek, slow to talk, pondering things in our hearts like the Blessed Mother did.

In other words, if we want to be holy, we'd better be introverts.

I'm kidding, of course. Well, sort of kidding. In the book The Temperament God Gave You, which I cannot recommend highly enough, Art and Laraine Bennett define and explain the four temperaments and help the reader to identify which temperament or temperaments are dominant in them and how these temperaments effect their thoughts, actions, spiritual life, relationships, and way of seeing the world. (And so much more. It's a really great book and you should read the whole thing and not rely on my incomplete summary.) I want to share some of the traits associated with each of the four temperaments and then go back to my somewhat tongue-in-cheek statement above.

Extraverted Temperaments

1. Choleric - quick to react, forthright, eager to express himself, loves debate, argumentative, interruptive

2. Sanguine - life of the party, talkative, frank, sociable, can be superficial, prone to vanity, social butterfly

Introverted Temperaments

1. Melancholic - thoughtful, spiritual, likes to be alone, introspective, self-sacrificing, sensitive

2. Phlegmatic - quiet, diplomatic, peaceful, sensitive to others, dutiful, peace-maker, patient, tolerant

Now, I admit that I've cherry-picked the above traits from long lists and it's important to point out that each temperament has its strengths and weaknesses. I also know that it's reductive to say that we are our temperaments. People are so much greater than their temperaments and, of course, we have free will and God's grace to keep us from becoming enslaved to our personality defects. But temperament does relate to a person's basic tendencies and I think it's fair to say that overcoming these tendencies requires hard work and conscious effort. If you're extraverted, you're not going to wake up one day and be quiet, thoughtful, and introspective. You're going to have to break a sweat, spiritually, to develop those traits. If you'd like a clue to my temperament, let me just share a verse from the Psalms that has, once or twice, been assigned to me for a penance: "Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord, keep watch over the door of my lips!" (Ps 141:3). I'm sure you can figure out from this verse whether I'm an extravert or an introvert and, therefore, which traits from the lists above best describe me.

So, I ask again, if the Blessed Mother is the model creature, which I know she is, and if the traits that are typically associated with her tend to be those common to introverts, what's an obnoxious extravert like me to do? If an important part of growing in humility (and thus holiness) is keeping one's mouth shut, and I've been given a mouth with no off-switch and no filter, am I doomed? Can I ever hope to have the interior disposition of the Blessed Mother when my basic disposition is so . . . exterior?

To say that this issue has come up occasionally with my confessor would be an understatement (but I don't want to tell you too much about what we talk about because I don't want to blab and I want to ponder these things in my heart, even though I really do want to tell you - really, really badly. But I'm not going to. I'm just going to shut up now.) Of all of my many defects and failings, this has to be the one that causes the most difficulty for me and, probably, those around me. I don't want to get discouraged, but it's hard not to. I look at the introverts I know and think, "It's easy for you to be holy." I know that's not true and that everyone has struggles and failings, but it's a temptation for me to believe that imitation of Mary and holiness is just easier for introverts than it is for extraverts.

So, if discouragement isn't option, then what to do? I haven't cracked the code on this completely, but I do have some strategies. First of all, spend a lot of time on my knees in prayer, especially in Adoration. Next, ask the Blessed Mother to show me how to develop these traits that she possesses in a superlative way. Also, never shy away from confessing the many, many times that I fail in this regard. And avoid near-occasions of sin like talking on the phone too much or letting a couple of beers make my tongue even looser than it normally is. Finally, believe that God is pleased just by my earnest desire to grow in my imitation of His mother, whether or not I ever achieve this imitation perfectly.

It's the last one that gives me hope and makes me want to keep trying, with God's help, to become more like Mary and more the person He created me to be. I know that He'll bless my efforts even as the people around me are shaking their heads and thinking, "Doesn't she ever shut up?" And for this patient, fatherly love and understanding, I give thanks to God!

The Imitation of Mary - Book 1, Chapter 8

This chapter is titled, "Choice of a State in Life." When I first started reading the chapter, full of wisdom about the way that a Christian should discern his vocation, I thought, "Oh well, a little late for me. My state in life is pretty well determined now, seeing that I've been married for 15 years and have four kids." But as I read, I realized that the wisdom contained in this chapter is important for me as a mother if I'm to help my sons discern God's plan for them.

My husband and I take this responsibility pretty seriously. From the time our boys are young, we present the "What do you want to be when you grow up?" question as, "What do you think God wants you to be when you grow up?" We talk to them about the fact that God gave them special gifts and talents and that their lives will be happiest if they discover how God wants them to use these gifts and talents for the building up of His Church and society. We present the priesthood and religious life along with other possible "career" options. We explain that God calls most people to be married, but that He calls some to live their lives completely for Him. And we explain that following God's plan for them will not be impossible because God always gives us the grace we need to do His will. Most importantly, we pray that our kids will be able to hear God's call for them, and we pray for their future wives or vocation directors.

I will risk pulling a muscle as I pat myself on the back and say that we've done, I think, a pretty good job of communicating the message to our young sons. They talk about the priesthood as a real possibility and they seem to understand that life isn't just about getting a job and making money. For example, about a year ago, my 12- and 10-year old sons were teasing their 5-year old brother by saying that he was going to marry a girl at their school. His response, expressed loudly and firmly, was, "No, I'm NOT going to get mawwied. I'm going to be a pweist! I'm going to be mawwied to the Church!"

So, I have to say that I've felt like we've pretty much got this whole vocation discernment thing under control.

But as so often happens when engaging in spiritual reading, my complacency and laurel-resting was disturbed while reading this chapter. The writer talks about Mary as a model of discernment in her simplicity, her silence, and her unity with God's will. He then gives practical advice for discerning God's will:

"Pray to the Lord, therefore, and consult Him if you are deciding on a state in life." Sounds like good advice to me. Next he says:

". . . consult those who on earth are His representatives." Also good advice, and something I think even good Christians fail to consider. Now comes the jolt:

"Consult your parents only insofar as duty may require this. For it is always to be feared that they may give their children advice inspired by the principles of the world."

Ouch. That's definitely something to think about as a parent. Do I really want my kids to follow God's call, where ever it may lead them? It's easy for me to say that I do when they're young and still under our authority. And it's easy to say that I do when I consider the possibilities in an abstract way: marriage, priesthood, religious life. No problem, right?

But what if God is calling one of my sons to marry a woman who has a mental illness? Do I want him to obey God's call then? Or what if God is calling one of my sons to be a missionary priest in a dangerous foreign land? Do I still want him to obey? What if one of my sons is called to live as a single layman? Will I encourage his obedience, or will I badger him to find a wife and produce some grandchildren? How about if one of my sons is called, in imitation of Christ, to give up his life for God and His Church? Will I imitate Mary and help him to obey that call? Or will I try to persuade him to ignore God and save his life? I don't know, to tell you the truth. So I can see the wisdom in the warning offered by the writer. I'll never be able to look at my boys with detachment. It's just not in me as a mother. My husband would probably be better at it than I am, but he's never going to be completely objective about our kids either. They'll need to be able to consult with people who will see them as the men they are becoming, and not as the little boys that they will always be, at least in some ways, to me. They'll need to have the freedom to discern their vocation without constantly thinking, "Is this what my parents want me to do?" Because the heart of discernment is asking, "Is this what God wants me to do?" And discernment is personal, between the soul and God. Even well-meaning parents run the risk of placing obstacles between their children and God if they're not careful. So, I guess maybe this chapter does have a thing or two to say to me on this topic after all.

The final piece of advice given in Chapter 8 is one that I love because it just gets right to the point of it all:

"Finally, consult death, as it were. That is, make the choice you will wish you had made as your life is drawing to an end."

Our vocation here on earth is not the be-all and end-all of our existence. Like everything else in this life, it points to eternity. Vocation discernment is summed up by the answer in the old catechism to the question, "Why did God make me?" "God made me to know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him in this life and to be happy with Him forever in the next." I pray that I'll be able to get out of the way and give my sons the space they need to answer God's call so that they will indeed be happy with God forever in eternity.

Imitating Mary

In his homily at Mass this morning, my pastor pointed out that today's celebration of the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God, is Mother's Day for Christians. He also said that we could ask for no greater mother, and that she could give us no greater gift than the gift of her Son, the Son of God. How beautiful.

I love that the Church calls us to celebrate Mary on New Year's Day. This celebration reminds me that I'm called not just to make some vague resolutions focused on self-improvement during the new year, but that I'm called to seek ways to grow in virtue so that I may grow closer to Christ and become more fully the person He created me to be. Mary, that sinless creature, filled with God's grace from the moment of her conception, is the ultimate model for those of us who wish to undertake this task which, absent God's grace, is not just daunting but is truly impossible.

So, with the help of God's grace, I'm going to go for it this year. I'm going to try to imitate Mary and to help me on this journey, I'll be reading the book, "The Imitation of Mary," by Alexander de Rouville. In the first chapter, de Rouville lays out the program by listing some of the qualities of the Virgin that we need to imitate: lively faith, prompt obedience, deep humility, selfless intentions, generous love. To simplify things, I've chosen two words to help me in my daily struggle to grow in my imitation of Mary. The first is, "Yes." Yes to God and yes to those He's put in my life, especially my family. The second is, "No." No to my selfish, comfort-seeking impulses. I know from sad experience that my failures will be many as I try to become more like Mary, but I'm going to try to avoid discouragement by remembering that she really is my mother and really will help me as I struggle to be more like her, as any good mother would help her needy child. And I'll try to remember that her Son also wants me to be more like His mother and will provide every grace that I need to acquire these Marian virtues. I have pretty good teammates; I just have to do my part. Against all odds. So I say, "Jesus, I trust in You."

I hope that everyone will have a happy and blessed new year and that you will feel the motherly care and support of our mother, Mary, the Mother of God as you seek to grow closer to her Son. Thank you, God, for this gift of Your Mother. Pray for us, O holy Mother of God, that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.